Breakup Blog

Avoid Settling for Less Than What You Need and Want While Searching for Your Life Partner

(Jane) — Wed, 23 Apr 2008 11:58:23 +0800

Let’s say that you’re out there in the dating scene – meeting members of the opposite sex online and in person, making conscious decisions about who to date, and learning more about who you are and what you need and want in a life partner relationship. And then you get to the third or fourth date with someone. That’s when you start noticing how some aspects of your dating partner don’t fit with the vision you have of your ideal mate.

For many singles, confronting this “fork in the road” toward finding a life partner relationship is a major dating dilemma. That’s because taking an unanticipated turn onto an unknown road toward finding a life partner can be confusing and scary. This is the point when I’ve seen many singles quickly, and even carelessly, reject someone who could have made a suitable partner.

The challenge at this stage of dating is to look long and hard at the actual live person you’re dating and determine what aspects of your ideal relationship vision are mandatory, and which are negotiable. Truthfully, I don’t suggest that you do this on your own. It takes a coach or a mentor, an objective person whom you trust, to help you determine the pros and cons of the person you’re dating. Without help, you run the risk of listening to that little voice in your head saying, “Hey, break up with this person. S/he doesn’t match up! You’ll only be settling for less!”

I believe that “settling for less” inaccurately describes the experience of singles having to compromise some of the characteristics they seek in their ideal mate. To best explain the choices one faces when confronting a “fork in the road,” here are a couple of examples:

George feels comfortable and happy when he is with Julia, and sees himself having a future with her, IF ONLY she would be more intellectually stimulating. George has a keen interest in current events and looks forward to reading the news every day. He has tried to interest Julia in discussing news and events with him, and while she is familiar with the world around her, it is not at the level that George would like. On the other hand, they share similar family backgrounds, outdoor interests and spiritual lifestyle goals. They have a good time together, can converse about a variety of subjects, and get along well. George also finds her attractive, but still wonders if he can marry a woman who does not stimulate him intellectually. On the other hand, he has yet to meet anyone else that he enjoys being with as much, overall.

I would suggest to George that he try and view Julia as the intelligent woman she truly is, despite not having as keen an interest in current events as he. I would encourage him to focus on their shared interests and goals, and to imagine Julia as a partner in life rather than solely as an intellectual cohort. I would, of course, remind him that not all people are perfect, yet they can and should be able to grow. I would strongly recommend that since he is attracted to her and enjoys her company, he may already have sufficient information with which to know that they can create a life together.

Anna has gone out with Michael for two months, having met him on an online dating website. She experienced him as nice and attentive, and came away from each date with the confirmation that he was a decent and honest man, with whom she shared similar spiritual and life goals. While she was able to visualize being married to him, she did not feel any excitement about him, or excitement about having a future with him. Anna wondered if it was reasonable to have a marriage that did not have much passion if Michael was, in fact, a nice and kind man. But she wasn’t sure if her doubts about him were reason enough to break up either.

I see Anna’s situation differently than George’s. George is pretty clear and confident about who he is and what he needs; Anna isn’t as in touch with her needs, which is the reason why she’s confused about Michael. Anna believes that she should marry a man solely because he’s kind, honest and decent. This reflects a lack of self-esteem on Anna’s part, because if she believed she deserved passion and excitement in a relationship, then she would break up with Michael, no matter how nice and decent he was, and continue searching.

Negotiating a “fork in the road” essentially requires that you have sufficient knowledge about yourself and your needs. Having this knowledge will help you decide what turns to take – should you disqualify someone because you know you need more than what s/he is capable of giving? Or, since you know that no one is perfect, should you be “flexible?”

George, in the example above, was challenged to see how his dating partner, Julia, met the majority of his needs for a life partner. This meant that he turn onto the road requiring him to be flexible. Once Anna (in the second example) realizes that she deserves to have passion and excitement in a relationship, she’ll turn onto the road disqualifying Michael, which will eventually lead her closer to finding her life partner.

The road to finding your life partner is filled with many opportunities to take turns onto other roads that can still get you to where you want to go. If you focus on what is missing in a relationship, then you may be setting yourself up to feel that you are “settling for less.” But if you choose instead to look at the bigger picture, to see your goal in the distance, and be flexible about turning onto some side roads along the way, you may get to your destination -- finding your life partner -- that much sooner.

Releasing Relationship Pain

(Jane) — Wed, 23 Apr 2008 11:57:34 +0800

Often times when a relationship ends there are things left unsaid and questions left unanswered. Through the use of this technique you can resolve these issues and allow yourself to move on and let go of the past. This technique can also be used with those that are now deceased.

Sit yourself in a quiet space where you will not be disturbed. Ideally have an empty chair or seat opposite you. Close your eyes for a moment, and take a few deep breaths and allow yourself to relax and let go.

When you open your eyes imagine that you can see the person with whom things are left unsaid sitting opposite you. All you need to do is to pretend they are there, so if you think you are having problems visualising just pretend.

Say to the person whatever is on your mind, whatever you want to release. If there is a situation that you want to resolve, for example the break down of a relationship then talk about that.

When you have finished you may want a response from them. If so then go and sit in the other chair and pretend you are them answering back. Keep your mind focused on what was said when you do and allow the answer to flow. Remember that if you consciously say what you want to hear rather than what you really hear you are only cheating yourself, no one else.

When they have finished speaking, sit back in your original chair.

Keep up the conversation, moving from chair to chair assuming the other person's persona when in their chair until the conversation comes to an end. Then return to your original chair and thank them for their time before going about your business.

This technique is incredibly valuable for letting go of pain, guilt and hurt from any sort of relationship, not just romantic relationships. Often when performing this technique you will be surprised by the answers that you receive from the other person.

Through a technique such as this you are able to finally let go of pain from the past so that you can move on. The pain that you have been holding on to from these past relationships may well have been preventing you from having the fulfilling relationship you've always dreamt of.

You can also engage your sub-conscious in releasing the past through the Releasing Emotional Blocks Audio CD and the Karmic Cleansing program, which are both available from the website below.

Enjoy using this technique, and remember, it can be used for many more things than just releasing relationship pain.

Getting Over Someone

(Jane) — Wed, 23 Apr 2008 11:57:21 +0800

Basic question here: how can I tell when I'm over someone and ready to be with someone else?

- C.G., Boston, MA

That is a basic question, but not a simple one. I'm not sure I can even answer it.

Sometimes hearing someone else's experiences put things in perspective. Here is a situation concerning a person I dated, how I personally view it, and how I make it work for me. Maybe this example will help clear things up a little bit for you too.

In my life, I've seen a lot of relationships and been envious of very few. I see a lot of phoniness, relationships of convenience, and people together for all the wrong reasons.

But I knew that my relationship with her was something incredibly, incredibly special. I'd never felt anything like that; it was something totally different than all the rest I'd ever been in. It was comparing apples to oranges, as the saying goes.

In every way, I found her to be the most beautiful thing that I'd ever seen. We showed each other our best and our worst and remained together because we believed in each other as individuals and believed in us as a couple.

It's interesting to think of all the things we are taught and all we are not. People are taught a million things growing up: how to read, how to use a stove without burning their hands, how to fold a towel, how to drive, and so on.

But we're never taught some of the things that are imperative in relationships; we're somehow expected to learn them as we go and by trial and error. I, like many others, never learned how to trust someone to give them all of my feelings, so I'd always held something back, which isn't fair.

I also never learned how to forgive someone that I loved when they hurt me. And I certainly never learned what to do when you find someone who is perfect for you. It sounds like such a great thing, but it can be one of the most overwhelming feelings you ever experience because you want it to work out more than you want anything else in your life.

And sometimes, by the time you start to realize these things, it's too late to make everything right.

Making her cry was the worst thing I've ever done and just thinking about it hurts me more than anything I've ever lost, never achieved, failed at, or I could really explain here.

And now she's gone. We had talked about "forever" but this isn't the kind of "forever" I thought we meant.

Who we were at the time we made our memories, we'll always be - that man will always love that woman and that woman will always love him just as much. I still miss so many things about her, namely counting on - and believing in - us.

I still think about her every day and wonder, wonder, and wonder. I made her an enormous part of my life and now that she's gone, that life as I knew it is too.

The pain is normal. But don't think that because you feel pain you can't move on. What happened between the two of you obviously affected you, so the hurting is expected. Truthfully, and unfortunately, it may be felt for a long, long time.

If you think about it, you probably still don't feel great about the moment you found out you didn't get that job you really wanted or a pet that died when you were a kid. You may never feel perfectly fine about this situation either.

What I realized, and what you must too, is that you have to move on. They have. They have their own life going, and whether it's them being alone or them being with someone else - it's still them being without you.

There is no other option; you can't stay closed off and emotionally unavailable forever in hopes they will change their mind about you or that it will work out somehow. Knowing when to let go and move forward it is the hard part.

You don't want to do it when you're emotionally unavailable, angry at life, or will be anything but the best person you can be to whomever it is you end up with next. I don't know if you're there. Maybe you don't even know if you're there.

There's only one way to find out, though.

It's A Great Relationship, But Is It Time to Break Up?

(Jane) — Wed, 23 Apr 2008 11:57:02 +0800

You've found a new guy and the two of you have been dating for a few months now. He's handsome, funny, and charming, and yet something about the relationship doesn't feel quite right. You so much want this to work, as it has been some time since you've dated anyone this long with the prospect of a permanent commitment. But you still have some important unanswered questions.

1. Where does he go on the weekends? You've noticed from the beginning of your dating relationship that your guy doesn't hang around on Saturday or Sunday. In fact, you don't see him too often on Friday nights, either. You have to wonder if he has a family out there somewhere, or some kind of commitment elsewhere that is bound to interfere with yours at some point. In fact, it already is interfering. When you ask him why he can't come around over the weekend, he stutters and stammers, but so far, no good excuses.

2. What about his family? After five months, you still haven't met his parents, sister, or even his dog. He's given you a dozen reasons why you can't visit his apartment, none of them valid. You would love to meet his family-if he has one, that is. Moreover, it wouldn't be a bad idea to be introduced to his coworkers, neighbors, or friends. But so far, none of that is happening. There was one buddy from college who was passing through town and took the two of you out for dinner, but that was it.

3. Does he really have a job? Even though he has vaguely mentioned having a job somewhere, he doesn't say much about the work, the company, or his boss. You don't actually know what he does or how much he makes. In fact, he's often broke, which is why the two of you hang out at your place for pizza and television rather than go to the movies or dinner.

4. Will he ever get serious? This guy takes life pretty easy. He doesn't seem to have any hassles or worries, and he's not particularly interested in the future-with or without you. You've fallen into a fairly predictable and almost boring dating pattern, and you're wondering if you could live this way the rest of your life even if things did get serious.

5. Does he meet your needs? When you need a shoulder to cry one, he withdraws a little, like he's not very comfortable with emotion. At times when you want to dress up and go out, he's ready to sack out on the sofa for a little snooze. He seldom shows much interest in your job, your family, or your hobbies. So what's to love about him?

If any of these, especially in combinations of two or more, describe your relationship, maybe it's time to move on. Unless you force a confrontation and insist on things changing, chances are they won't. And who wants to force someone to pretend to like you, anyway? It could be time to give up and get going if your Romeo isn't showing much enthusiasm.

Moving on from a Breakup

(Jane) — Wed, 23 Apr 2008 11:56:50 +0800

The old song goes Breaking up is hard to do and boy is that an understatement. Going through a messy breakup, particularly if it is someone who has been your lover for some time, someone you have been intimate with or someone who you have shared your heart and secrets of your soul with, causes a hurt that cannot be matched by any other.

Even if you are the one who initiated the breakup, their feeling of loss and separation is constant and distressing. There is a mental state called separation anxiety that describes that feeling you have when he or she was a constant part of your life, your thoughts, and your emotions . . . and now they are gone.

The important thing is to figure out a way to get past this and get the breakup out of your system. The funny cliche people use is to wash that guy or gal right out of your hair. Boy, if only it were just that easy! But here are some helpful ideas and concepts you can use to get your recovery from the breakup moving as quickly as possible.

Give yourself some time: Expect to feel the pain of the breakup for at least two weeks and possibly several months, depending on the intensity of the relationship. Do not beat yourself up because you feel bad. Give yourself the freedom to grieve.

Be good to yourself Replace the pampering and the positive effect on your self-esteem your lover gave you with your own self-support during this time. Become your own best friend. Do some special things, just you and you. Indulge a bit in some ice cream, go to a play or some event he or she would never do with you. Celebrate being single again!

Embrace your support structure: If your relationship with other singles, singles groups, or friends suffered because of the huge amount of time you spent with your sweetheart, get back together with them and plan some events. Patch up any damage to those relationships and get involved in new social groups. Allow these larger social groups to replace the connections you had with your lover for a bit. This will also get you back into circulation for the next phase of your dating life.

Go back to an old hobby or start one you always wanted to do. Use that creative energy you poured into that love affair to do something exciting and creative. Gardening, remodeling a room, or working on your genealogy are all things that give you a good feeling about yourself.

Do not lash out: It will be easy to trash your ex to others. Do not do that. It just dredges up those bad feelings we are trying to move past. It also makes you look small and obsessive to someone who might be able to connect you to a new romantic interest, or to someone who is eyeing you romantically from afar.

Flirt: You may have forgotten how. For a little while, make this your goal without dating. Just learn again the fun of teasing and flirting with the opposite sex.

Write: A journal can be a great tool for healing. Another technique that works for a lot of people is venting. If you are full of anger or hurt and you just want to tell her off or tell him a thing or two, then write that letter and just cut loose. Pour all of your anger and pain and remorse and everything ugly inside into that letter. Then file it away and never send it. Or tear it to shreds and release those feelings. You just dumped your garbage into that document and now you can let it go.

Make it your ambition to move on. Talk about other things and take interest in other people. Avoid alcohol or obsessive habits like too much eating or sleeping. Get outside, get a pet, work on your houseplants, or dive back in to your hobbies and other fun activities. Get out there and live again and life itself will heal the hurt that is going on inside you.